Ye Olde Sturbridge Village

A few weeks ago, Buzz, Lotus and I headed over to Sturbridge Village for a day of fun. We've been there before, many times. In fact, when Lotus was a toddler, we used to go there as if it were a local park (memberships are great!), take the dog for a walk (dogs are no longer allowed, unfortunately), and head out to the Freeman Farm to see the pigs. And baby lambs, if there were any. Lotus loved the chickens.

Now we go because it's cool, because it's neat to see how people lived in the 1830s, and to live the history. The farmer-turned-potter throwing pots on the side to make a few extra bucks. The blacksmiths making nails and tools and horseshoes. The tinsmith making lanterns. The shopkeeper showing us the fancy combs and hatboxes. The candy shop to buy cinnamon sticks and rock candy.

A fun thing to do on a balmy January day!

What Do You Say?

Last night, I picked up the kids from their dad's house, as usual. Through the window, I could see them give him hugs and kisses. We're lucky in that we live relatively close, and they get to see their dad fairly often. Their Dad and I maintain a civil relationship.

As Lotus got into the car, she looked a little bit sad. I asked what was wrong, and she said she missed Dad (the kids didn't get to spend as much time with him as usual this week, what with him coming down with the flu, and us trying to rearrange weekends). And then, Buzz pipes up from the back seat, "Why can't we just all live together as a family?"

Gulp.

What do you say?

Hindsight is nearly always 20/20. I can see now that signs I overlooked during the dating phase (love is blind, yanno!) came to a head the year before Lotus was even born. It went downhill from there.

But how can I tell my kids that their dad never really loved me? That he married me because his friends were marrying, and that he knew I'd meet with approval from his conservative parents? That for nearly fifteen years, he looked at me with disgust, like I was some dog shit he'd stepped in?

I spent the better part of my marriage trying to fix things, to make him happy, to have good times. But it didn't work. How can I tell the kids that leaving really was for the best? I do think their dad is now a better father, now that he doesn't have me to fall back on. That's a good thing.

We're making the best of a less-than-perfect situation. I can only hope that my kids will someday understand.

Unschooling in the News

Unschooling Article: Click Here

Every time I read one of these articles, I smile with amusement at the experts' opinions. Without fail, none of them have studied unschooling, none of them have seen it in action for more than a day, and I'd wager that none of them truly get it.

This article seems most concerned with real or imagined 'gaps in knowledge,' as if children who attend traditional schools have no gaps. Their assumptions seem to be based on the fact that kids in school follow a prescribed, orderly, progressive curriculum, thereby covering all the bases, leaving no gaps in knowledge. I disagree with this premise. Many kids manage to graduate high school these days with huge gaps in their knowledge, too. The news is rife with stories about why Johnny can't read, etc. From the standpoint of someone who holds a doctorate, if their theory is true (prescribed curriculum produces no gaps), then why do I have huge gaps in my knowledge? Why can't I give you blow-by-blow detail of WWII? Why can't I calculate the load capacity of a circuit? I took history. Lots of it. I took physics, too. High school and college. Hmmm.

It boils down to the learner. You can present info to kids, but if they're not interested, they're not going to learn it. Sure, you can coerce them, tell them that it's in their best interests to 'learn' it, as it will be on a test, and you must get good grades to get into a good college so you can get a good job. But I can tell you that it's promptly forgotten once the test is over. Been there, done that.

What I see in my kids is a thirst for knowledge. They don't categorize the world into subjects. They don't see what they're doing as learning. They're just having fun. Asking questions. Reading. Playing Neopets. Video games. Skateboarding. I, their mom, see the learning happening. I've seen their pride when they master something difficult. (You didn't think unschooled kids would just do the easy stuff, did you?) And above all, they own their knowledge. They remember, because they're interested. And sometimes I have to ask them for information.

Knowing that they're responsible for their own learning and knowing they're entrusted with that task is a huge self-esteem booster. They're empowered. They learn. Lots.

Freedom.
Trust.
Respect.

Kids deserve far more credit than our society gives them. And kids who are taken seriously, soar.

Home Inspections

Yesterday I returned home for a brief moment to find my home (okay, my brother's house, where we happen to live) invaded by home inspectors. Yes, I knew they were coming. I just didn't expect there to be so many of them. Seven cars in the cul-de-sac, and two trucks. Three holes being dug over the septic tank. One guy probing every crevice with a long stick, peering behind all insulation in the basement. Another guy crawling around the attic. A third testing all of the plumbing fixtures and windows. They left nothing unturned.

Think we passed?

I've Been Carded!

Click Here to make your own card catalog card.

It Wasn't Me!

I heard a crash in my kitchen this evening and when I went to investigate, this is what I found:



Oscar had apparently opened the bag of carrots and was playing with them (and eating a few as well, judging by the teeth marks). The rinsed recyclables awaiting transport to the basement have been knocked into the sink, atop the suds and soaking dishes.

Of course, he looks so innocent. I found about ten carrots in the soapy water when I finally got around to the dishes.

Respecting Children's Choices

Lotus and I were watching American Idol last night. One contestant in particular stuck out, not because she won a coveted ticket to Hollywood (she did) but because of her story: Seems this Ohio gal had to lie to her parents (father in particular) about where she was (said she was spending a few nights with a girlfriend) and skipped school (college, I assume, as she was 19) in order to get herself to New York and the American Idol auditions.

From what they aired, I gathered that she's always had the passion and desire to be a singer, but was told that if she pursued singing, her father wouldn't help her out with school (sounds kind of black-mailish to me). So up to a point, she followed her father's wishes and denied her own desires.

Guess what? Singing isn't just some pipe dream for this girl. She can really sing. She likely can make a good go of it. Will she become rich and famous? Possibly. But I'm sure she will be able to make a living from singing, whether she hits the big time or not.

Follow your dreams. Isn't that what life is about?

I don't understand how parents squelch their kids' passions and desires, and expect them to do what they, the parents, want them to do, instead. Sure, there are likely more than a few in the crowds of the American Idol auditions who can't hold a tune, are tone deaf, and should really find another passion. But some people just won't know until they try and fail, in order to realize they just don't have what it takes. But, I give them credit for getting out there, giving it their all, and trying.

Maybe I'm just sensitive to this. I've had bunches of passions over the years. My family likes to make fun of me because I'm the one always doing something cool and unusual. Case in point: At the age of 33, I decided to take up figure skating. Started out in group lessons, and quickly progressed to private lessons. I lived and breathed skating. I absolutely LOVED it! Gliding across the ice is like flying, jumps and spins exhiliarating! At our rink, there were other ladies my age who were avid about the sport. We hung out together and cheered each other on. We were a bit competitive with each other, too. My family was always making digs about how delusional I was to think I'd make it to the Olympics. The Olympics?? I had no illusions about going to the Olympics. Just a desire to get out there and skate.

I signed up for my first marathon. "You'll never do that!" my family said. I've now done two now. And on it goes.

I fully support my kids as whole people, whose desires and interests may be far from my own. But I support them fully. Buzz says he wants to be a pro skateboarder. Who am I to tell him he can't? Knowing Buzz, he may very well be. Or, he may find something cooler in a few years and move on to that. But should I squelch his desire to skateboard, telling him it's frivolous and dangerous and unrealistic? No.

I don't understand this. Maybe someone out there can enlighten me.

Mindful Parenting

I read this this morning on another list I'm on and it fit my mood today, as I have recently been dealing with some adults who have been very disrespectful of children, and just can't grasp how you can raise kids without controlling them.

The credit for this goes to Joyce Fetteroll, whose link is at right, if you're interested in reading more of her writings.

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If all the things you loved were thought of as whims by your best
friend or husband would you feel closer and feel like sharing with them?

At first it might be cute. But the longer something touches you deeply and the more often you encounter others who don't treat it seriously, the more disconnected the relationship becomes at that intersection point. You'd want to seek out others who share you passion.

Will it break a relationship? No. Will it enhance it? Definitely not. And when relationships are so hard to build, why consciously do anything what will tear one down?

That's the essence of mindful parenting. Being aware of what we do that will build a relationship and what will tear it down. And when we want to build a relationship, we choose to put extra effort into what we do to avoid tearing it down, into, yes, making our lives a little less convenient in order not to make someone else pay for our convenience by their unhappiness. We choose to make trips less onerous. (Because we know we wouldn't want to be dragged to the store by a husband twice or more a week. It would show deep disrespect of our time and feelings if he did that every single week. And it would whittle at our relationship.)

How we view our children *does* matter. Even if we never say "whim" or "drag", if we're thinking it, it will be in our actions and become part of our decisions. It's very difficult to choose less convenient solutions for ourselves to accomodate whims. It is much easier to show that we respect our children when we treat their interests as passions.

Why is it essential that a parent change their whole life, including the need to accomplish the grown up stuff of life, to accomodate the whims and demands of a child?

It's not essential. It builds relationships. When we treat each others' needs equally we build relationships. The needs of a child who is passionately playing a video game aren't more important to the mom who needs stuff from the grocery store for dinner. For each person meeting those needs are up high on their list.

We can *model* respect for others needs by not deciding for the child that our needs take precedence. If we do, what are we modeling for them? That they can decide their needs are more important and ours can wait?

We can decide that the relationship is more important and treat their needs as being just as important as ours. We can brainstorming options, we can plan ahead better (if this is something that keeps happening over and over). And when children are treated with respect, when they *feel* respected and like their needs and wants matter to someone else, they return the respect. They become more accommodating.

Add to that the budget constraints of 'having no other options'

It helps a lot in shifting from an adversarial mentality to see everything as a choice. While some options may not be as attractive as others, rarely do we have no other options.

But it helps a *lot* to see all the options and their consequences to feel what was viewed as a "have to" is really a choice. For instance, we don't "have to" take out the garbage. We *could* let it pile up.(And other options: hiring someone, consciously choosing to live with as little waste as possible.) But we choose to because we find the consequences of the other options don't outweigh their benefits.

It's not necessary to think like that. But it's a brain exercise that can help relieve the weight of "have to"s that can feel draining as though we're always giving and getting way less in return.

My kids get to come along with me, because I feel it is important for them to see the inner workings of all of life.

Word choice is important in thinking clearly. You made your children come. They didn't "get to".

And many people feel it's important that children learn math so they make them do math.

While I think it's certainly useful that my daughter see grocery stores and the process of buying food, that isn't an excuse to make her go. And despite that, she's been to the grocery store hundreds of times in 15 years. (It's not brain surgery. It doesn't take many trips to figure it out ;-)

It was easy (natural and inevitable) to 'balance' my children's screen time because we had other things to do

And other unschoolers find it possible to live balanced lives without mom deciding what and how its to be done. The more we involve kids in the rhythm of life, the more we treat their needs with respect, the more we build a great relationship with them. And it's not us deciding they need x amount of TV, and y amount of video games and z amount of out of the time house, and then asking them to figure out how to do that. It's us saying "I'd like to visit my friends today, what are your plans and how can we make them work together."

--Joyce Fetteroll

Motivators

Here is a collection of motivational quotes that inspire. Enjoy.

Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simple.
Charles Mingus

A great teacher is one who realizes that he himself is also a student and whose goal is not to dictate the answers, but to stimulate his students' creativity enough so that they go out and find the answers themselves.
Herbie Hancock



The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
Alvin Toffler



There is a loftier ambition than merely to stand high in the world. It is to stoop down and lift mankind a little higher.
Henry van Dyke


The first man to see an illusion by which men have flourished for centuries surely stands in a lonely place.
Gary Zukav


Readers may be divided into four classes:
1. Sponges, who absorb all that they read and return it in nearly the same state, only a little dirtied.
2. Sand-glasses, who retain nothing and are content to get through a book for the sake of getting through the time.
3. Strain-bags, who retain merely the dregs of what they read.
4. Mogul diamonds, equally rare and valuable, who profit by what they read, and enable others to profit by it also.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge



In the quiet of this day, may you know the greatness of your spirit, and may your hopes fly on the wings of possibility.
Mary Anne Radmacher


Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
Mary Anne Radmacher


Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.
Mary Anne Radmacher


The best journeys are the ones that answer questions that at the outset you never even thought to ask.
Rick Ridgeway



There are certain spots in the world where you can stand that will change the way that you look at things forever.
Pete Whitaker

Living in a Fishbowl

Since Thursday, we've had six showings of the house. Hard to keep the house realtor-clean every day with 2 kids, four cats, and three dogs. Oh, yeah, and the two fish. Just when you think it's clean, you turn around to find something undone, or the puppies found the one thing you forgot to pick up, or the kids spilled that one last drink, and now there's another toothpaste glob in the sink.

But all this cleaning hasn't been for naught. Yesterday we received an offer on the house, which my brother accepted. Now we have until March 1st, assuming the deal goes through, to move into a house almost half the size, and twenty miles away. The down side is we'll be a bit tight. The plus side is our expenses will be cut by two thirds.

Buzz's main concern is where we'll be putting his skateboard ramps, as we will not have a garage, and the basement is too small. Lotus wants to make sure she has her privacy. My main concern is the two outdoor cats, used to living in the country, will now have to adjust to living in the 'burbs, where yards are less than 1/4 acre each.

Downsizing again. Preparation for living in an RV? Perhaps. Being able to save money every month will be wonderful.

Look, Ma, I Can Fly!

Scenes from my basement this evening:

It's Not You, It's Your Singing!

My kids and I have become American Idol fans after our run-in with their tour group last year in Hollywood. We enjoyed last season and settled in again this week to watch the newest hopefuls sing their hearts out for a chance for a golden ticket to Hollywood and a shot at becoming America's next Idol.

This week, out of 19,000 auditioners, only 24 were selected.

As I watched, I could see the similarities between talent auditions and the query process.

As writers, our auditions come in the form of the query letter. It has to pack punch, be fresh and exciting, and basically grab the attention of the agent. Do we have what it takes to get our golden ticket to Hollywood, the request for a partial or full? When our manuscript is in the hands of an agent (our Hollywood), will it stand up to more intense scrutiny? Is the plot solid? Does it grab the reader and propel them towards the end? Or does it give up, fall apart, and just not stand up to the pressure? Our final 24 is when an agent signs us. They like our stuff. They show it to others, seeking editors who share their passion about our writing. Will the editors vote for us? Or are they voting for our competition? Knowing our strengths, our uniqueness, and where we fit in the marketplace is invaluable.

Do we have what it takes to make the grade, to be published, our equivalent of winning American Idol? We don't know until we try.

Of course, television being television, has to show us the worst of the worst. Rarely do we get to see the ones that are almost there, just not quite ready this year. For them, there is more practice, coaching, singing, and then, they just may be ready next time around. We also get to see a few who made the grade. Seeing the winners next to the losers, it's obvious.

We writers just had a mini-version of this competition over on the Miss Snark's Crap-o-meter. Our audition: 250 words to hook Miss Snark. She is our Simon Cowell. She tells it like it is. Do you get a "Bingo! We have a winner on aisle 76!" or the dreaded, "WTF?" Seeing the winners alongside the losers was eye-opening. And also varying shades of gray and subjectivity.

I know I'm not quite ready to win my golden ticket. But since writing is fun, I'll keep at it. Maybe like one contestant on American Idol last night, my third time will be the charm.

Kitty Popscicles

Winter has finally arrived in New England. Temps hovering just above the single digits overnight, with a nasty wind chill.

Of course, at four in the morning, one of my cats thinks he wants to go out. This means he leaps the baby gate (to keep puppies downstairs) and makes a big racket, then starts howling loudly. The puppies wake up and start barking, and because they sleep with me, subsequently wake me up. I'm not amused.

I get up, and said cat will not go out. Of course not! The wind is howling, the trees are creaking, and it's too darn cold! So I go back to bed. Wrong move. Thirty minutes later, he's at it again. I toss him out against his will. Too bad, I'm trying to sleep.

Just as I doze off again, the puppies start yapping and wake me up (did I mention they sleep with me, under the covers?). This time, the other cat is banging on my bedroom door. I toss her out, too.

My alarm goes off this morning, and the radio DJ warns, "Keep your pets indoors! Highs in the 20s, with wind chills to minus 2 degrees! Current temp is 11 degrees."

Oops, my cats are out. Didn't take much calling to get them to come in. Now maybe they'll think twice before waking me up at 4 am. Darned cats.

Of RVs and Campers

My brother and I headed out to the local RV show today, seeing how the realtors had us out of the house at the ungodly hour of 10 am on a Sunday. Got to the convention center and wow! Overwhelming selection of RVs, campers, and huge motorhomes bigger than my first house. I'm not kidding.

Since I've been perusing the classifieds on line for at least the past six months, the kids and I sort of have an idea of what we're looking for. So not only did I find exactly that, I did find a few other options that might work as well. The cheapest option would be a step up from our pop-up camper -- a nice, small travel trailer with a huge dinette, a sofa, AND exactly what we need, a BUNK! The next step up is a slightly larger travel trailer that has TWO front bunks, and a hard-sided slide out queen bed. But the cool thing is, that the camper can be used with the sliding bed in. Meaning, we can pull over at a rest stop and actually go into the trailer, get a snack from the fridge, use our own toilet if needed, AND take a nap. How cool is that?? The downside is, I'd need a bigger tow vehicle. But not out of the question. (Heck, I can barely back the pop-up into a campsite, how am I going to manage a larger rig?? I can do it. I hope!)

The last option is a small Class C motorhome, no slide outs. I can see myself spending a lot of time in it. It can be ordered with twin beds in the back, rather than wasting space with a queen bed. On an extended trip, nobody wants to be sharing beds (unless it's with the puppies!). I can buy the rig today, with payments of $500 for 15 years. Uh, no. I'll likely be buying used and paying cash. But it's so cool just to actually be in the motorhome, rather than just looking at pictures.

Can't wait for the camping season to start!

When It Rains It Pours!

Such a cliche, but oh, so true.

This weekend, the kids are in New York City for the first time with their dad, off to the Museum of Natural History (helps that they just saw Night at the Museum last week, right?) and the Statue of Liberty. So while they are off having fun, I'm home, cleaning. Realtors coming at noon today for a showing, and tomorrow at ten. That's am. Who looks at houses at ten o'clock on a Sunday?? So now, I have to get out of bed, early, on a weekend.

In order to ready the house for the showings, not only do I have to clean, but there's still that little issue of the saturated Christmas ornaments in the basement from the other day. Yes, I washed the washables already, tossed the unwashables, and purchased new PLASTIC bins to repack the remaining ornaments in. Not that big of an issue, right?

Well, I'm down there, in the basement, on my knees on the cold concrete floor, happily packing the ornaments away, when what should I find? One of the cats has now used one of the open boxes of drying ornaments as a LITTER BOX. Now I have to deal with cat pee! Did I mention realtors are coming?!

Can somebody please remind me why I have pets again. Please?

The Yuletide Overfloweth!

On what is supposed to be a relaxing evening at home while the kids spend the night with their dad, I'm greeted with a toilet that hasn't been flushed. Buzz has had a fascination with wet wipes, and despite the admonishments of Lotus, does what he darn well pleases. The wet wipes container is sitting next to the toilet. You do the math. I didn't.

Not a biggie, they haven't flushed before. So I feed the dogs, lock the piggish one in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and leave. I wash a few dishes, check a few e-mails, change into something more comfortable. Then I hear it. The waterfall. In the bathroom. Uh, oh.

Okay, so I've handled an overflowing toilet before. I'll go get the plunger. But this toilet is a bit different. You see, it runs. Unless you jiggle the handle. Apparently I didn't jiggle enough.

A couple of thick towels later, a splashing plunge job, and we're good to go. Mop the floor several times, change clothes, and sit down to relax.

My brother comes home and wants to know why the basement is flooded. He thinks maybe the heavy rains of yesterday are seeping through the cracked basement floor. I go check it out. Of course, the puddle is right under the bathroom. But it's not just a puddle. It must have been a big splasher. Five feet away, there's water on TOP of the boxes of Christmas ornaments, not just at the bottom.

I'm not sure how the water got into the boxes. Apparently went in the top of the top box and out the bottom of the bottom box, and the boxes were not under the toilet nor the pipes. There is nothing wet above the boxes. A mystery. So now, I have to repack all of the Christmas ornaments, and I have no boxes. I'll have to let them dry and then repack. I'm sure I can get some cheapie Christmas boxes on sale somewhere.

Maybe.

Ah, well, time for some chocolate. It's dawn in South Africa, and the webcam is on. Time to see what wildlife awaits before turning in for the night.

Just Say Yes!

People wonder how I have such a cool relationship with my kids. How we can talk about anything. And joke. And just have a good time, without all of the usual parent/kid angst.

A big part of it is being where my kids are. I watch their TV shows with them and ask questions, even if I personally hate the show. I offer no judgments, just enjoy it with them. And you know what? A lot of it does have redeeming qualities, even if presented in a totally hokey, over-the-top manner. To answer the unspoken question, yes, I do like SpongeBob SquarePants. Now. He grew on me. Like a barnacle. ;)

I find ways to say yes. A lot. No is saved for the big stuff.

I try to do things with them that we haven't done before, as often as possible. Sometimes we do something we've already done, because we know it will be fun. Just to get out, away from the daily grind.

We hug -- a LOT. And touch. Back scratches. Shoulder rubs. Head pats. Forehead kisses.

I thank them when they do something unexpected and thoughtful. When they do something helpful without being asked.

I give them things they're not expecting, because I know they will enjoy it.

We smile, joke, and laugh.

I stopped listening to my mother's nagging voice inside my head, the one that screams, "But you'll spoil them!"

And you know what? They're the most unspoiled, caring, compassionate, helpful kids I know. Of course I'm biased.

Kids, Unlimited

I know I've covered the unlimited TV/computer topic before, but I wanted to share something that just happened around here this week, regarding kids who are unlimited in other areas.

As you know, we're periodically bombarded with realtors traipsing through our house, which necessitates a quick clean up before a showing. Let's just say that the post-Christmas clean up was not quick, but we managed to get it done in time for a Thursday showing.

Anyway, I was up in Lotus' room, helping her gather the dirty clothes strewn across the floor, put things away, and make the bed. What did I spy high up on her dresser? A plastic Halloween pumpkin gazing down at me with his silly pseudo-carved grin. I peeked inside.

What did I find? The pumpkin was still full of candy. I asked Lotus about it, and she said she didn't want it anymore, that she was sick of it. How is it that a 12-year-old kid, with a huge bucket of candy in her room, still has >80% of it left, two months later? Lest you think Lotus isn't the kid with the sweet tooth, let me assure you that yes, she is her mother's daughter. At least when it comes to sweets. I did mention my sweet tooth, didn't I?

Also, last week, my brother brought home a dozen doughnuts unannounced. Long story, he said. Since he's not particularly fond of doughnuts, told the kids and me to eat them. I think Buzz had 2, Lotus ate 1 1/2, and the rest hit the trash 3 days later when they went stale.

Doughnuts going to waste? Candy going uneaten? What's going on here? What kinds of kids don't devour sweets?

Kids who are not desperate for sweets, because the sweets are not limited, regulated, forbidden, or derided as 'junk.' When sweets are available whenever they want, in the quantity they want. If someone didn't get enough, or needs more, we can always buy more, today if needed.

An interesting consequence when kids are truly allowed to make their own decisions about their lives, including what they eat, when they eat, and the quantity they eat.

Around the Watering Hole

The kids and I have been glued to this webcam for the past few days, eager to spot animals that come to the watering hole. Last night (which was dawn in Africa) we saw loping hyenas, a whole herd of giraffes, and a couple of wildebeests.

Africam

So follow the link and enjoy the African wildlife!

Old Beginnings

Starting fresh for 2007, I've had to kill a few darlings. But lest they die in obscurity, here is one for your enjoyment. From 2003, very early in my writing career. It has been edited since, but I thought I'd post the original version. Enjoy.

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