Children -- The Last Minority
While it is now considered politically incorrect for us as a society to poke fun at any ethnic groups, it's still considered okay to disrespect and bash children. Every day across America we hear parents lament about their kids being lazy, manipulative, disrespectful, uncooperative, backtalking slackers who need to be shown how the real world works, usually by dishing out punishment, taking away privileges--basically by shaming and blaming them.
Then we hear things like: "I'm so glad they're back in school! It's tough being around them all day!" or "I need to keep up the battle so he grows up responsible."
(usually because the kid hasn't done his chores, or helped out extra when asked).
And when I question these people I get typical responses:
Children need to be told NO.
Children need to learn Boundaries.
They're going to hear NO from teachers and employers and need to learn how to Deal with It.
If I so much a suggest otherwise, ie treating children as guests in my home, saying yes whenever possible, meeting their needs, respecting their choices and decisions, allowing them freedom to decide what's best for them, I'm met with:
If there are no rules, what's to stop your kid from not brushing his/her teeth? from eating candy all day? from cutting holes in the carpet? from running his sister over with his bike? from smacking the kitten with a skillet? from playing in the road?
Saying yes when possible, giving our kids information to navigate the world, and teaching them respect by modeling respect is NOT leaving them to fend for themselves with no direction. Being actively involved with kids, giving them information, and helping them learn the skills necessary to get along in life.
What constantly amazes me though is how adamant and militant these parents can be. I guess it sounds totally crazy to suggest that there might be another way--a way where constant harping on your kids and potentially damaging your relationship with them just doesn't have to be--that they just get spitting mad.
An example:
A mom posted online about the fear and terror she experienced when her young son had a febrile seizure. Totally understandable.
But then, subsequent posts she complained about his attitude, how he'd become manipulative, how he wanted to use the incident to his advantage. How he's acting out (kicking), hitting, and yelling NO! when they try to send him to Time Out.
I suggested that maybe, just maybe, her son had been equally scared during the incident, and even more scared when he saw his parents freaking out, and that rather than yelling and time outs, maybe the whole family cuddling on the sofa with a favorite movie and a favorite snack might make the whole family feel better. That maybe his acting out was his way of dealing with the stress of the whole thing, and a bit of extra attention and understanding might be necessary.
You'd have thought I had attacked all of motherhood! Maybe I have.
What I do know is this: Treat your kids the way you want to be treated, and the old adage is true: You reap what you sow.
Then we hear things like: "I'm so glad they're back in school! It's tough being around them all day!" or "I need to keep up the battle so he grows up responsible."
(usually because the kid hasn't done his chores, or helped out extra when asked).
And when I question these people I get typical responses:
Children need to be told NO.
Children need to learn Boundaries.
They're going to hear NO from teachers and employers and need to learn how to Deal with It.
If I so much a suggest otherwise, ie treating children as guests in my home, saying yes whenever possible, meeting their needs, respecting their choices and decisions, allowing them freedom to decide what's best for them, I'm met with:
If there are no rules, what's to stop your kid from not brushing his/her teeth? from eating candy all day? from cutting holes in the carpet? from running his sister over with his bike? from smacking the kitten with a skillet? from playing in the road?
Saying yes when possible, giving our kids information to navigate the world, and teaching them respect by modeling respect is NOT leaving them to fend for themselves with no direction. Being actively involved with kids, giving them information, and helping them learn the skills necessary to get along in life.
What constantly amazes me though is how adamant and militant these parents can be. I guess it sounds totally crazy to suggest that there might be another way--a way where constant harping on your kids and potentially damaging your relationship with them just doesn't have to be--that they just get spitting mad.
An example:
A mom posted online about the fear and terror she experienced when her young son had a febrile seizure. Totally understandable.
But then, subsequent posts she complained about his attitude, how he'd become manipulative, how he wanted to use the incident to his advantage. How he's acting out (kicking), hitting, and yelling NO! when they try to send him to Time Out.
I suggested that maybe, just maybe, her son had been equally scared during the incident, and even more scared when he saw his parents freaking out, and that rather than yelling and time outs, maybe the whole family cuddling on the sofa with a favorite movie and a favorite snack might make the whole family feel better. That maybe his acting out was his way of dealing with the stress of the whole thing, and a bit of extra attention and understanding might be necessary.
You'd have thought I had attacked all of motherhood! Maybe I have.
What I do know is this: Treat your kids the way you want to be treated, and the old adage is true: You reap what you sow.
Children Learn What They Live
If a child lives with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive,
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves,
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
But do not despair ...
If a child lives with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If a child lives with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, they live with justice.
If a child lives with security, they live to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, they learn to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship.
they learn to find love in the world.
— Dorothy Law Nolte
posted by Zany Mom at 6:56 PM
2 Comments:
One thing I have found that works for my kids when they act "unusual" is that I say, "I think you just need more 'mama lovin'!" Not only does it make them giggle, but they find it really does help when I give them a great big hug, maybe some tickles and kisses, too. We all feel better and we can talk about the behavior. They are REALLY good kids. But they don't go to school. :o) I want to make them t-shirts that say, "My mom loves me enough to homeschool me." LOL The way we pawn our children off on people is a soapbox of mine. I don't get it!
I'm glad I found this blog (via Janet Reid), and the Unschooling site from here. I've been having serious issues with my 4-year-old son's separation anxiety, which he has never in his life experienced - even as a baby. :( It's pretty awful, more so because I'm parenting him in a vacuum... my parents were emotionally distant and I'm often at a loss for what to say to the kid.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for posting those links - I'll be taking a closer look over the next few days!
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